Holden Caulfield

The story of my life.

Archive for the month “February, 2012”

Good time with Phoebe and coming back home.

The carousel that Phoebe rode.

Greeting to all of you. In that post I’d like to tell you the end of that weird story. After that, she left her big bag in the museum and we went to the zoo together. She was still angry with me and she didn’t want to walk next to me so I didn’t try to make her for that because I knew that she’d go with me. In the zoo there weren’t many people and it wasn’t much to look at. Then we left the zoo and we went to the carousels. Phoebe was still sore at me but she was happy when she saw the carousels. I bought her some tickets for it and I sat on the bench and I just watched her ridding it. She looked cute in her blue coat. Suddenly, it started to rain but I didn’t care about it much. I was just happy that I was back with Phoebe and I could watch her going around and around. It made me so happy. God, I wish you could’ve been there to see her.

So I came back home. Not long after that I got sick and I had to go to the hospital. A lot of people kept asking me if I was going back to school in September. I just couldn’t answer that question. How can you know what you’ll do before you do it? And that’s all of this stuff for now. Thank you and good bye.

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A weird night and quite a good day.

Museum of Natural History, where I met with Phoebe.

In this post I’ll tell you about my visit at Mr Antolini’s house and what came out of this. Mr and Mrs Antolini had an apartment over Sutton Place. I quickly got in there as I took a cab. Old Mr Anolini opened the door. He looked like he’d just had a party at his house. He seated me by that table which was full of glasses. He wanted to know why I was coming to his house and what was this all about. He gave me a cigarette and we started talking. We talked about my schools, my flunking four subjects, even about the way I perceieved some things. He tried to give me some advice about the future plans and so on, but I had that crazy plan. I wanted to leave this city and to live in a cabin far away and have a peaceful life with a job at the gas station. All his talks were very interesting but all in all I was very sleepy. I followed him to the living room where I was supposed to sleep. He left me alone so I could take my things off and go to sleep, and that was what I did. But when I almost fell asleep something strange happened. I woke up and Mr Antolini was sitting next to me and he was patting me on my head. I just hated perverty stuff like this, so I got nervous at once. I told him that I had to go for my things to the station as I had all my money there an so. He wanted to stop me but I just wanted to leave. So I did it. I went to the station, took my stuff from there and I had no place to go then.  In that situation I just sat on the chair and I tried to sleep at the station, but it was hard, especially because people were walking there all the time and putting my feet from the chair. So I just quitted sleeping and I sat down. I tried not to think about Mr Antolini and that strange situation. I tried to read a magazine but it didn’t help at all so I just went out for a walk. I started to feel hungry so I found a cheap restaurant and tried to eat something. However, it was too hard for me to swallow anything so I gave up eating. I wasn’t in a good mood. I wished old Phoebe was around. I decided to talk to her before I leave and give her money back. I went to her school and I left a message for her at the secretary office saying that I wanted to meet her at the museum. Then I just went to our place of meeting. I hadn’t been there for ages. It still interested me, even though it hadn’t changed at all. There was almost nobody in there and I was a bit amazed when I saw two young boys. They came to me and asked me if I knew where the mummies were. I didn’t have anything to do so I went to show them the mummies. That was sort of funny thing to do. Suddenly I looked at the clock and it was about Phoebe to come soon. I started to get nervous about the fact that the lady in secretary office hadn’t given my letter to Phoebe, but in a while she showed up. She was carrying a big bag with her. She told me that she wanted to go with me but I couldn’t agree to that. She started to cry and beg me to take her. So I had no choice but to tell her that I changed my mind and I was not going anywhere. It was a hard decision but I had to give her my word that I would come back home with her.

Breaking into my own house.

The building where our house was.

Hello everyone! This post will be about my trip to my own house. I went there just because I wanted to talk with my sister, Phoebe before I realized my big plan. When I got to my house, I had to make sort of breaking into it. Firstly, I had to persuade an elevator boy that I was going to my neighbour, Dicksteins’. He wasn’t too clever so I didn’t have to talk much. He just picked me up on my floor. As I came into my house, I tried to be as quiet as it was possible. I went to Phoebe’s room and I recalled that when D.B. was in Hollywood she stayed in his big room. So I went to his room and I saw her sleeping. I didn’t want to wake her at once. I walked around the room looking at all that stuff and I sat by her desk to see her notebooks. I liked looking through her notebooks because she had some funny notes, just like all children have. Then I lit a cigarette and I finally woke her up. She was very happy to see me. She told me that parents were at the party and they wouldn’t be back till very late. She asked me why I was home then, because I was supposed to be on Wednesday. She fastly recognized that I got kicked from school. She took it very emotionally. She said that our dad would kill me but I knew it wouldn’t be that bad, but she didn’t want to talk with me. She put a pillow over her head and I couldn’t make her put it off. So, I went to the living room to take some cigarettes from the box on the table. I ran out of mine. When I came back I made her talk to me. She wanted to know why I had got expelled from school, so I told her about all the phony guys in Pencey and those teachers that I just hated. She told me something that was true and what knocked me out at the same time. She told me that I didn’t like anything and what knocked me out was the fact that I really couldn’t think of one thing that I liked very much. I tried to find one thing that I really liked but it was hard. I talked with Phoebe about my plans for future, but it wasn’t so easy to do. Finally, I said that I couldn’t sit there no longer because parents could came back anytime. I decided that I’d phone Mr Antolini, my old English teacher. He lived in New York and he liked me. He agreed to take me for some time. Then I just wanted to spend some more time with Phoebe. I made her dance with me. We danced some steps and at last Phoebe wasn’t so angry with me. But when we were talking, we heard somebody was getting into house. I quickly got into closet and turn the light off. When parents came in, my mother noticed that Phoebe was not sleeping. She also felt smoke so Phoebe lied that she smoked one cigarette, just because she couldn’t sleep. At last my mother believed her and let her go to sleep. When Phoebe got back into her room I asked her if she had any dough, because all my money was in the box at the station. She gave me all her dough for Christmas and then I left our house and went to Mr Antolini.

Getting drunk and a trip to Central Park.

A picture of Central Park.

Hi. This time I’ll tell you about all what happened when I left Sally. When I left the skating ring I went to this drugstore to buy something to eat. Then I went to a phone booth. I thought maybe I’d give old Jane another buzz and I’d check if she was home yet. I thought that I’d have another evening free and I’d take her dancing or somewhere. I had never danced with her. I saw her dancing once and she looked gorgeous. So, I gave her a buzz again, but her phone didn’t answer. I looked into my address book to see who might be available to see that night. I couldn’t find anybody except for Carl Luce. I didn’t like him too much but he was one of that smart guys. He had the highest IQ and I thought we could have a dinner and an intellectual conversation. When I gave him a buzz he said that he wouldn’t have time for a dinner. However, he added he would be available for a while but in the evening. So I had quite a bit of time to kill till ten o’clock, so I went to the movies at RadioCity. I regreted that decision. All the films were dull to me, and it’s not even worth describing them. After the movies were over I walked down to the Wicker Bar where I was supposed to meet Carl Luce. That bar was in that swanky hotel, the Seton Hotel. I used to go there a lot. It was pretty early when I came in there. I sat down at the bar and had a couple of scotch and sodas before Luce showed up. He came after a few minutes. He never said hello, or anything when he met you. He only sat down and said that he could stay only for a couple of minutes. But he was a pretty intelligent guy and I didn’t know why, I just started to kid him a bit. I wanted to talk with him seriously but that was a problem with intellectual guys; they never wanted to talk to you in a serious way unless they felt like it. We talked a bit about his new girlfriend, who was Chinese, and I started to kid with him again. He told me that I was immature and I should visit his father, who was a psychoanalyst. In the end he said that he had to go and then he left me alone. So I just kept sitting there and getting drunk and waiting for the two singers to show up and sing, but for a change, there came a girl called Valencia and a flitty-looking guy with wavy hair. She wasn’t good at singing but she was at least better than that two girls before her. When she finished I called a waiter and asked him if he could give her a message that I’d like to have a drink with her. Of course he didn’t give her that message. People never gave your messages to anybody. So, all I could do is getting more and more drunk. And again I felt like giving old Jane a buzz if she was home yet. So I paid my check and left the bar and went to the phone. But when I got there I changed my mind. I thought that I was too drunk to talk to Jane and I called Sally. Her grandmother picked up the phone and gave me Sally after a while. However, she didn’t want to talk with me, especially when I was drunk. So I hung up and went to men’s room. I dunked my head in cold water in a washbowl and then I sat on the radiator because I was shivering like a bastard. I was sitting there for a while when suddenly that guy who was playing the piano came in. I tried to talk with him but he just told me to go home. So after some time, I finally got up and went to the hat-check room. I started to cry there. I thought just because I felt so lonely and depressed.

When I got out of the bar, I wasn’t so drunk any more. It was getting very cold again but I didn’t feel like getting on a bus or cab again. And I didn’t even know where I was supposed to go, so I decided to go to that little lake in the park and look if there were any ducks. I was always interested where the ducks went when the lake was frozen. So I started walking towards the park. Then something terrible happened just as I got to the park. I dropped Phoebe’s record. It broke into pieces. It was in an envelope but it broke anyway. I almost started crying again, but the only what I did was to take the pieces out of envelope and put them in my pocket. I just didn’t feel like throwing them away. Although I lived in New York for years, I couldn’t find that lake. I must have been more drunk than I thought. I just kept on walking and looking for it. And finally I found it. It was partly frozen but I couldn’t find any ducks around. Finally, I sat down on the bench where it wasn’t so dark. I was still shivering like a madman, and the hair that I had put under water was now frozen. That worried me. I’d get pneumonia and die. I started to think what my funeral would be. I knew what Allie’s funeral was like. All relatives and acquaintances came. I didn’t see it because I was in hospital but D.B. told me about it. Anyway I was still worried that I’d get pneumonia. I started to think about my family. Suddenly, I felt like talking with Phoebe and, because I thought that I was going to die, I decided to go to my house and talk to her. My parents should’ve been asleep plus I had my spare home keys so I could wake Phoebe up and talk with her. So, I wasn’t thinking much and I went to my house.

Almost a nice date.

Radio City - place where I went ice-skating with Sally.

Hi there. In this post I’ll let you know what the date with Sally was like. I was a way earlier before her at the meeting place, so I was just sitting on a couch in the lobby and watching the girls. A lot of schools were home for vacation, so there were about a million girls around waiting for their dates to show up. And finally, I saw Sally, coming up the stairs, and I went to meet her. She looked terrific. We horsed around a little bit as we were getting to the theater. Anyway, the show wasn’t as bad as some I’d seen before. At the end of the act we went out with all the others for a cigarette. Sally didn’t talk much, except for raving about the Lunts, because she was very busy rubbering and being charming. There was a guy around, I thought from Ivy League. Sally kept saying that she knew that guy. Finally, he saw her too and came to say hello. Then Sally introduced us and they started talking about a lot of people they both knew. It was the phoniest conversation I had ever heard in my life. I couldn’t stand listening to that but they continued their conversation even after the end of the second act. When they finally finished I sort of hated Sally for that. I was set up to take her home but she said that she would like to go ice-skating. So we went ice skating to the Radio City. There, they gave Sally this little blue butt-twitchier of a dress to wear. She looked very good in it, I had to admit that. The funny thing was that we were the worst skaters on the whole rink. I think we must’ve looked gorgeous. Finally, I asked her if she wanted to get a table inside and have a drink, and she agreed. So we took off our skates and went inside that bar. We started talking about school and other stuff. I was quite nervous. I didn’t know why, but I almost shouted. And then I came out with that idea. I told Sally that we should get away from there, get married and live somewhere away from there. I got very excited about it, but Sally was more sore of it than excited. She started to criticize me, so I got sore. In the end it came out that I said something I wish I hadn’t told. I tried to apologize to her for that but she wouldn’t let me. She didn’t even want to drive her home. She kept telling me to go away and leave her alone, what I finally did. I got inside and got my shoes and stuff, and left without her.

A better day.

The breakfast I had while talking with these two nuns. Yammy!!!

Hi everyone. In this post I’m going to tell you about the beginning of the next day after that one which was pretty bad for me. I didn’t sleep too long that night. It was around ten a.m. when I woke up. I felt pretty hungry because the last thing I ate was those two hamburgers I had with Mal Brossard and Ackley. Before I went to eat something I decided to give Sally Hayes a buzz. I knew she was at home because I got a letter from her a couple of weeks ago. I wasn’t too crazy about her but I’d known her for years. So I gave her a buzz and I made a date with her. After that I went out for breakfast. I got a cab and first I went to Grand Central Station. I left all my bags there in one of those strong boxes that they give you a key to. Then I got some breakfast. I was sort of hungry. I went to that little sandwich bar. While I was having my breakfast, these two nuns with suitcases came in and sat down next to me. We struck up a conversation. One of them was collecting money for a charity around Christmas time. I gave her ten bucks for that charity. The other nun was an English teacher so I talked for a while with her about that as I liked English. It was the only subject I didn’t flunk. Anyway, we talked for ten minutes or something and then they got up to go and I did something very stupid. I was smoking a cigarette and when I stood up to say good-bye I blew some smoke on their faces. I didn’t mean to do it. I apologised like a madman…Fortunately, they were very polite and kind and nice about it but it was still very embarrassing, anyway.

After I had my breakfast. It was still early and I had about two hours before a date with Sally. I started walking over towards Broadway. I wanted to find a record store that was open on Sunday. I wanted to get this record for Phoebe called “Little Shirley Beans”. It was very hard to get it. It wasn’t so cold as the day before, but the sun still wasn’t out and it wasn’t too nice for walking. However, there was one nice thing. There was a family that just came out of church – a father, a mother and a little kid about six years old. Parents were just walking and talking and they didn’t pay too much attention to their child. He was making out like he was walking a very straight line, just like the kids do, and he was singing all the way. When I got closer I heard him singing clearly. It was a song “If a body catch a body coming through the rye.” It made me feel better and not so depressed any more. Broadway was full of people. Everybody was all dressed up because it was Sunday. They were all going to a movies. I think they were doing it just because they didn’t have anything more interesting to do. I couldn’t understand it.

Finally, I found a record store and I was able to buy that copy of the “Little Shirley Beans”. It cost five bucks but I didn’t care. After that I went to get the tickets for an opera, to which I was going with Sally. I knew she liked Lunts’ show so I took two for it. Then I went to the park. I hoped that I’d meet Phoebe there, as she used to go there for roller-skating. I didn’t find her there. However, there was a little child. I tried to get to know if she knew Phoebe and maybe she could tell me where she was then, but she couldn’t tell me that. As I still had some time, I went to the museum of natural history. I was thinking all the way about the times when I used to go to my old school, where Phoebe used to go there as well and about our trips to the museum. It was a great time. But when I came to the museum I changed my mind about going in. So, I just caught a cab to Biltmore for a date with Sally.

One more problem.

It's that pair of gloves, which they stole from me in Pencey.

This post will be another continuation of that unfortunate night. I’ll start from getting back to Edmont’s. I walked all the way back to the hotel. I didn’t feel like walking but I just didn’t want to get into another cab. It wasn’t snowing at all, but it was freezing cold, and I took my hat out of my pocket and put it on. My hands were freezing and I didn’t have my gloves because somebody stole them in Pencey. Even if I knew who it was, I wouldn’t do anything about it. I wouldn’t even take a sock at him. I’m not good at it. I’m more like a pacifist and I never care too much if I lose something. That’s my trouble.

When I got back to the hotel, I got into that big mess. I got in the elevator where the elevator guy asked me if I was looking for fun that night and offered me a prostitute for a night. I was so lonely that I agreed. Then I went to my room and I got prepared for it. When she came in I wanted to talk to her first, but she wasn’t too friendly. Then I didn’t know why I got out of mood and I wanted her just to spend some time with me not to be alone. I told her I would pay her but she didn’t want to stay with me. She took the cash but she wanted more than a guy in elevator said. I didn’t give her more, though, and it was a big mistake. She went out, of course, without any discussion. When she got out, it was quite late so I decided that I’d go to bed then. I washed myself up and I got into bed and started to smoke. All of a sudden, while I was laying and smoking, somebody knocked at the door. After a while I found out that it was that guy form elevator, Maurice with the prostitute. He wanted the rest of the money that I didn’t want to give to the girl. I didn’t want to let him in but he made me do that. He entered the room with that girl and he beat me on the floor. I just didn’t want to give him additional five bucks, because at first he told me that it’ll be five bucks only but then they wanted twice as much. However, when he was holding me on the floor, the prostitute took the five bucks from my pocket and they came out. I was knocked out. I went to the bathroom and I spend almost an hour taking a bath. Then I got back to bed, even though, I wasn’t too tired to get to sleep.

Still Alone.

Ernie's - nightclub in which I wanted to stay, but I couldn't.

In this post I wanna tell you about the next part of that goddamn night. While I was leaving the night club I started to think about Jane Gallagher again. I sat down on a chair in the lobby and I started to think about Stradlater and Jane in the car. I couldn’t get her off my mind. I could talk about her for hours; about the time we spent together playing checkers, golf or at the cinema. At least I decided that it was still too early for me to go to sleep so I took a cab to Ernie’s. It’s a night club in Greenwich Village that my brother D.B. used to go frequently before he went to Hollywood. Ernie is a big fat coloured guy that plays the piano. He seems like he won’t talk to you unless you are a movie star. Anyway, the cab I took was a real old one. The driver wasn’t so kind. He was sort of a touchy guy. He left me in front of Ernie’s and even though it was so late it was jampacked. You could hardly check your coat – it was so crowded. It was pretty quiet, though, because Ernie was playing the piano. It always was a big deal, like something holy. To me, it wasn’t so great but the audience got mad when he finished playing. Anyway, they found me a table. It wasn’t a good place, though. I was surrounded by jerks. I was sitting there, smoking and drinking when I saw a girl, that I had met before. Her name was Lillian Simmons. My brother D.B. used to go out with her for a while. She was there with the navy guy. She came to my table and started to ask about D.B. It’s all that interested her. She asked me if I wanted to join them but I wasn’t in a good mood for it. So, I told her that I was going to leave in a minute and she went away with that navy guy. Then I didn’t have any choice but to leave. It made me mad, though, when I was getting my coat. People always ruin things for you.

Time to have fun!

Edmont Hotel, place where I stayed in New York at first.

Hello. In this post I’ll tell you about what I was doing after I’d checked in Edmont Hotel. I thought it was still early. I didn’t want to go to bed, so I changed my t-shirt and I decided to go to that hotel night club, Lavender Room. When I was washing I started to think about my sister, Phoebe. She’s ten years old, but she’s very smart for her age. She likes films a lot and she’s very emotional. You would like her. She is somebody you always feel like talking to on the phone. However, at that time I was too afraid that my parents would answer the phone. So I just finished putting on my t-shirt and I went down in the elevator to the lobby to see what was going on. It turned out to be pretty empty, though. I could hear a band playing in Lavender Room so I went there. It wasn’t crowded but they gave me a lousy table anyway. I looked around. There was nobody around at my age. There were only some old, show-off-looking guys with their dates, but by the table next to me there were these three girls around thirty or so. Only one from them was quite pretty, so I decided to dance with her. I’m a good dancer and she was also quite a terrific style. I wanted to drink something with her but the waiter didn’t want to sell me any liquor, so I ended up drinking some cola. I was trying to make a conversation with all three ladies but they were more interested if any movie star was entering the club. So when they wanted to leave, I just paid the bill and left with them. I didn’t have a good time. You can’t have a good time in any night club where you can’t get any liquor. Or unless you’re with a girl that really knocks you out.

Good bye Pencey!

Penn Station, place where I got off the train in New York

Today, I’m writing my fourth blog. I’d like to tell you about what made me leave Pencey and what I was doing then. After this fight with Stradlater I didn’t want to sleep with him in the room. I didn’t want to sleep at all. I went to Ackley’s room. He was partly sleeping when I entered, but he woke up and asked me what was the whole fight about. I didn’t want to talk about it, but I asked him if I could sleep on Ely’s bed. Ely was at home for holiday and I knew that he wouldn’t come back for some time. I just lay on his bed and I was sort of talking with Ackley. It was then when I decided to leave school. I was supposed to leave it on Wednesday , but I didn’t want to wait for so long. I left Ackley’s room and I went to mine. I took all my stuff fast and I went downstairs. It was too late to call a cab so I walked the whole way to the station. It wasn’t far, but it was cold as hell. When I got to the station I had to wait just ten minutes for the train to New York. When I was on the train, a lady got on at Trenton and sat down next to me. We started talking, and it came out, that she was a mother of Ernest Morrow. I think I didn’t like that guy the most from all guys at my school but I told this lady that her son was a great boy. I got off at Penn Station and went straight to a phone booth. I wanted to talk to somebody but actually I didn’t have anybody who could talk with me at that time, so I ended up calling nobody. I left the station and I found a cab. I told the driver to take me to the Edmont. I tried to talk with him and make him go with me for a drink but I knew that he couldn’t do it though. I stopped at Edmont Hotel. They gave me a very crumby room with nothing to look at from the window. I was thinking for a while and I realized that I’d like to have fun with somebody. So I phoned one girl whose number I got from my friend, but she wasn’t keen on going out anywhere. Well, it was a pity.

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